


Roof Top Melancholy

by WakeUpAndSmellTheCoffee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x08 and 2x09 spoilers, Aftermath of Suicide Attempt, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Angst with a slightly happy ending?, Comforting Magnus Bane, Depressed Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Boyfriend Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus' loft is Alec's safe place, Malec, Missing Scene, Protective Jace Wayland, Sad Alec Lightwood, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, The Roof, Worried Magnus Bane, nothing explicit though, the one that nearly killed all of us, you know which roof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-18 03:37:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12380094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WakeUpAndSmellTheCoffee/pseuds/WakeUpAndSmellTheCoffee
Summary: Magnus comforts Alec after the roof scene in 2x08. Alec knows he needs to deal with the guilt he is feeling, he can barely look at Clary, but his instinctual reaction is to bury everything. Maybe Magnus can finally be someone he opens up to.





	1. It's not your fault, my angel

**Author's Note:**

> Hello wonderful people! Quick heads up that this is my first attempt at writing something. Shout out to Malec for the inspiration. I am super new to writing so any feedback is much appreciated :)
> 
> This is set in 2x08 when everyone is gathered on the roof after Alec is rescued by Magnus. Alec has just woken up and I thought maybe there was a missing scene there between him and Magnus before we see them all downstairs again. I realise they’re trying to find the warlock ASAP but I think Magnus always has time to spare for Alexander ;) 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy! Actually, you don’t even have to enjoy it – just reading it at all would be a good start for me lol. Enjoyment would be a bonus.
> 
> Trigger warnings for depression and aftermath of a suicide attempt

Alec had always hidden inside himself and he was finding it an extremely hard habit to break. Being open about who he was and whom he loved was one thing. Being open about the deep sadness and shame he felt within was another. It was not something he should burden other people with – especially when there was nothing that could possibly assuage his guilt. 

He couldn’t bare the looks from his friends as he sat there dazed and drained. He had tried so hard to keep his disgrace buried. Now it had been dug up and he felt like an open grave which was on display for everyone to see. Alec guessed he should have learnt by now how dangerous it was to keep your true feelings to yourself. 

He just found it hard to show them when everyone was so damn understanding. All the love and sympathy which blossomed around him only served to deepen his self hatred. He didn’t deserve their affection. He would prefer someone to yell at him – give him a sentence, a punishment, an agony rune to condemn him for what he had done. 

This turmoil bubbled beneath Alec’s seemingly blank exterior. All he had to show to the world was glazed eyes and a detached glare. He had no strength left to form words. A sense of numbness was beginning to wash over him, stealing what little energy he was using to form coherent thoughts.

He had almost succumbed to a blissful state of unawareness when Magnus slammed his book shut and it disappeared. Realising the danger of slipping into himself again Alec was grateful for the distraction. His fellow shadowhunters went straight to work and started to filter off the roof in order to sweep Magnus’ loft for any threats. Alec counted the shift in focus as another thing to be grateful for. 

As they were exiting, Jace shot Magnus a look that was in no way subtle. Alec did not like the intensity of the look. He didn’t need any magic to know what it was about. Magnus’ eyes stayed on the empty doorway Jace had just disappeared through for a moment. He took a beat, drew in a long breath, and then turned towards his boyfriend. His face was so full of concern it melted Alec’s heart. His beautiful, wonderful Magnus was wearing such a gut wrenching expression and he was the one who had put it there. 

He pushed his hands against the cold brick wall and tried to lever himself up. Alec had two goals in mind. One was to avoid the conversation that was about to happen with Magnus. The other was to put his shadowhunter hat on and go help the others. Unfortunately for him Magnus clearly had other ideas as he reached his side and knelt down.

“Alexander, darling” Magnus said with the lightest of touches to Alec’s shoulder in an attempt to keep him grounded. “You’ve just been through a terrible ordeal. Perhaps you should get some rest, sit this one out – you can have the bed to yourself so I can’t distract you from a good sleep” he punctuated with an eyebrow raise. Somehow it came off as both flirtatious and questioning. He knew he couldn’t get Alec to sit things out for long.

While Alec appreciated Magnus’ attempt at levity he wanted to tell him that the idea of their bed without him in it was unfathomable and that a distraction was exactly what he needed. He wasn’t even overly concerned as to the content of said distraction. This lead Alec’s thoughts back to the current situation. If a warlock was here messing with their minds he’d grab that opportunity with both hands. 

He would have preferred to grab Magnus with both hands and kiss him into oblivion but his arms didn’t seem to be answering his brain’s call to movement currently. It was also highly likely this wasn’t the right time for such a display. Instead he caught Magnus’ eyes and lingered on them for a moment. He held the stare until he couldn’t deal with the understanding he saw in those brown pools any longer. No words were forming in his throat and all he could manage was a weak “I have to help out”. 

Magnus had still not torn his gaze away from Alec. It was as though nothing else existed for him in this moment. Even though there was a warlock on the loose and said warlock was most likely causing more havoc and his spell book had gone missing. All of that paled in comparison to the crumpled and defeated form of his Alexander. 

While Alec had always been the one good at reading people, Magnus had become excellent at interpreting Alec-speak. He regarded this as a great achievement considering sometimes things got lost in translation between the archer’s thoughts and what actually tumbled out of his mouth. He knew what Alec really meant was “I need to help out”. 

Magnus decided not to push but he didn’t want Alec to think that this was over. He didn’t want to explain that every second from now until they talked properly would be filled with a deep seated worry about what could have come to pass. He didn’t want to think about what would have happened if he had arrived at the roof one minute later. 

Magnus tried to shake these thoughts from his head and focus on the broken man in front of him. Letting his thoughts get side tracked like this was only causing him to feel choked up with worry himself – something he knew Alec would not be able to bear. The dark-haired angel absolutely hated other people’s concern for him. Magnus could only hope that one day he would be the exception to this.

“OK” he managed. “But please, Alexander, look after yourself and know that when you do want to talk I am always, always here for you”. 

He knew Alec wouldn’t say anything back. While he had gotten better at expressing himself, Magus knew he still found it difficult to articulate some of his feelings. It was, after all, part of the reason they were in this mess. He knew it would be a struggle for Alec to even form a sentence at this point and Magnus didn’t want Alec to waste energy on an internal debate about what to say. To remedy this he reached forward with one hand, cupped Alec’s face, and then pulled him into a hug that he hoped conveyed everything he was feeling. After a brief moment of slackness he felt Alec squeeze back and knew he was doing the same thing.


	2. Just know that we are here, all of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace, Izzy and Clary all want to have their say and help Alec if they can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for symptoms of depression, mention of previous suicide attempt (not graphic)

Alec blinked and looked around. He was definitely in the Institute. How he got there was another matter entirely. The last thing he remembered was being in Magnus’ warm embrace. It was as if he had just disappeared from one spot and reappeared in another. 

In a way it was as if he had. With Magnus focused on discovering Iris, Alec had been abandoned to his own thoughts. It was not as if Magnus didn’t have a good reason. He was saving them all – again. It was not like he had left Alec to deal with his latest jacket design. But, without the comfort he wasn’t aware he needed, Alec was having trouble staying in the present moment. 

Magnus kept stealing glances at his boyfriend as he explained about the cat and Iris and then later as Clary recounted her story about the angel. Alec seemed so far away. It made him want to rush everyone else out the door and have Alexander to himself – where he was sure he would be safe.

If this were a normal crisis Alec would be spilling out ideas, offering suggestions and getting ready for a fight. Right now, however, he was standing stock still. Magnus noted his slouched posture, hunched shoulders and emotionless face. He cringed inwardly as he realised this was exactly how Alec used to carry himself. Back when he tried so hard to blend in, keep his head down, do his job and not let anything deter him from the path that was set for him. He had come so far since then and Magnus would not let him become that closed off, unhappy person again. 

Lost in his trail of thought, he missed the end of Clary’s speech. Something about an angel. He hoped it wasn’t important. Everyone, including Alec, looked ready to move. Magnus took the opportunity to walk up to his dark haired beauty and brush a hand over his shoulder, in the hopes that his touch would bring Alec to life. 

“Alec - ,” His sentence was left hanging in the air as his boyfriend caught him off guard with a look Magnus hoped to never witness again. His eyes were so unfocused and could not make full contact with his own. It was like there wasn’t even a person in there anymore. It scared Magnus. And he was ashamed to say he stood there, frozen, as Alec moved to leave the building with his fellow shadowhunters.

At the last minute he pulled himself together and attempted to follow but this time it was Jace who stopped him in his tracks.

“We’ve got this Magnus.” He said in a tone so gentle that Magnus had to do a double take and confirm that this was Jace he was talking to. “You need to look after yourself as well. Rest, replenish your magic, and then you can look after my brother.”

“Jace, I don’t need –”

“Save it. I know how draining it can be when you use your magic too much. And I bet seeing Alec like that had the same effect. I know that it did on me. This may come as a shock but we care about you too Magnus. Helping Alec is going to take some work so how about we share the load and not let each other take on too much? Deal?”

Magnus could see that he was completely genuine. It was quite possibly the most sincere offer he had ever seen Jace make. He knew, when it came to Alec, Jace would do anything and in that regard they were two peas in a pod. So with only the slightest of hesitations he extended his hand and made his first ever deal with a shadowhunter (aside from Alexander of course) that was about his well being. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alec, there you are – it’s about to start” Isabelle came up behind him and brought him out of his reverie. The numbness was wearing off again and his surroundings were starting to colour in. 

“Hmmm? What – What’s starting now?” He hoped he hadn’t sounded as confused as he felt. Should he tell Izzy about the time displacement he just experienced? He didn’t want to cause her unnecessary worry.

“Max’s rune ceremony of course.” She eyed him suspiciously and Iz being Iz added “Are you OK big brother? I know that seems like a stupid question and we need to talk about what happened but you still seem off even though the spell is over.”

He hated that his sister could usually see past the mask that fooled everyone else. In fact, the list of people that were not tricked so easily was expanding. Alec couldn’t decide if that was a good or a bad thing at this current point in time. As Izzy gazed up at him with wide, round eyes Alec made a decision. The debate as to whether he would tell Izzy about the loss of time would be landing on the side of no. It would definitely cause unnecessary worry. 

Alec realised he was just standing there while his sister was waiting for an answer. He opened his mouth with the hopes that something placating would come out when she continued her ramble.

“Sorry, that was stupid too. I know the end of a spell isn’t going to end how you’re feeling. I just – I really want to know what’s going on so I can help. And I know this isn’t the time or place but, Alec, you need to talk to someone properly. I am big enough to accept if that person isn’t going to be me.” She gave him a knowing look and put her hand on his shoulder. She held it there for a minute and waited for a change in Alec’s expression to tell her what she had said was sinking in. Once satisfied she squeezed his shoulder gently and turned to enter the hall. 

“Max is waiting for you. Let’s get something good out of this day shall we?” She called over her shoulder.

Alec straightened up and followed her, keen to make this the ceremony his brother deserved. 

As he walked side by side with Max, an attempt at a smile on his face, he experienced conflicting emotions that he couldn’t quite get his head around. Firstly, he felt guilty for not being able to give Max the happiness he deserved. He tried to widen his grin. Then, he caught Clary’s eye and knew that she could see right through his charade. This not only made him feel guilty about even attempting a smile but also about the worry and discomfort he was causing her. How could she waste her energy on him? After everything he had done to her? Alec tried so hard to find a middle ground that he was sure he looked like a wide eyed magician holding his breath to see if his trick was a success while flashing the audience his biggest grin. 

The ceremony went past in another blur and he found himself outside with Jace and Clary before he could think to avoid it. Jace sauntered off to make peace with Maryse leaving Alec alone with Clary for the first time since he had tried to jump off the roof. His defence mechanism was kicking in and things around him were starting to fade as he fell inside himself. Clary’s lips were moving and she was saying something to him through a haze he couldn’t quite reach through. 

Logically, he knew it wasn’t his fault. Especially after saving so many mundanes from the same fate and treating them as victims not murderers. But that fact did nothing to persuade him out of the constant feeling of dread that had settled in the pit of his stomach. Plus, he didn’t like to think of himself as a victim. He was a protector, big brother, warrior, and leader. He did not lose control and fall prey to a demon. But he had. And he didn’t know if he could ever reconcile that fact with himself. He dragged himself back to the present and concentrated on Clary.

“You know I don’t blame you – I don’t.” Clary was saying with such gentle eyes and he knew she was telling the truth. He had always been good at reading people but right now he didn’t want to believe his instincts. How could this girl – whom he had hated and treated so badly – be so genuine in her forgiveness? This was exactly the type of thing that made him feel even worse.

As he looked into her eyes he couldn’t bring himself to tell her that she should blame him. Or tell her anything to that affect. There was something blocking his throat and preventing him from speaking at all. He desperately wanted to acknowledge her gift to him but his body was once again not up to the challenge. In the end, he reached forward and gave her a light tap on the shoulder. He hoped he accompanied it with a look of gratitude and acceptance. As she walked away he let the acceptance fall from his face and came to the realisation that even though Clary had forgiven him, he could never forgive himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there will be one more chapter coming where Alec takes Izzy's advice - and hopefully it will end in a better place for Alec :)


	3. I am here for you, always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec struggles to take Izzy up on her advice. Magnus is there for him when he decides to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set in 2x09. Magnus and Alec have already had their first conversation on the balcony and Alec has been to the institute to question Aldertree about Izzy. Alec is once again standing on the balcony of the loft trying to gather his thoughts.

Alec felt like his head was about to explode. There were too many thoughts running through his mind and he didn’t know how to push them all away. It was ironic when he thought about it – he had spent his whole life pushing things aside and now when he could really use that skill he just couldn’t do it. He really wanted to focus on Izzy right now. Something was going on with her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He was trying so hard to be a good big brother, especially as she had been so good with him recently. He needed to have a proper conversation with Izzy that wasn’t about him. But his thoughts were being drawn to other conversations he’d had today.

It started with Magnus looking at him with such care and claiming, “Nothing was more devastating than seeing you on that ledge”. Then he’d picture Aldertree trying to size him up and recommend him for a psyche evaluation. How did his attempt at finding out what was wrong with Izzy turn around on him so quickly? He had rolled his eyes at Aldertree, indicating the ridiculousness of his suggestion, but, as he stood here on the balcony of Magnus’ apartment, he knew it wasn’t an unreasonable request. And while these flashbacks were troubling him, they were not the ones he was most concerned about. It was the ones of Jocelyn that kept him awake and on edge. Jocelyn with an arrow sticking out of her back. Jocelyn with a white sheet over her face. Jocelyn with a gaping, bloody hole where her heart once beat. 

But did he really want them to go away? He had forced himself to endure them because it felt like they were the punishment for his crime. He shouldn’t want those images to leave. He was the one that caused them. And the others that inevitably followed. The next wave of memories started with Clary’s blank face as Simon comforted her at the institute. Clary with tears rolling down her face at the funeral. Jace trying to comfort him on the roof of the institute. Magnus’ breathy ‘oh Alec’ when he was discovered on the fire escape. He’d said it with such feeling that Alec almost hated how much Magnus cared. He hated that his pain caused Magnus pain. He alone deserved it. Well – that’s what he’d been telling himself anyway.

Alec’s chest felt tight and his breaths were becoming short and laboured. He hated that his own body made him feel like this. It felt like a betrayal. Like it knew he was hiding from the world and this was the only way it could make him reveal himself. He tried to focus on breathing slowly. He closed his eyes and felt the cool air against his skin. He tried to let the sounds of the distant traffic and the whistling breeze fill his mind and replace the thoughts that never seemed to disappear completely. 

Maybe he should take Izzy up on her advice. She was usually right about these things after all. Plus, if he wanted to look after her, he needed to get a grip first. And while a big part of him didn’t want to burden other people with his problems he was hoping that maybe Magnus wouldn’t mind. Maybe he would take a little of the pain away. That thought alone made Alec feel all kinds of guilt but Izzy’s voice popped into his head telling him he needed to talk to someone. If anyone could make him do something – it was his little sister. 

Alec heard footsteps behind him as Magnus approached from inside the loft. He joined Alec leaning over the railing, looking over their beloved city. If there was going to be a time to do it – it would be now. Here. On this balcony. In one of the safest places he knew. 

“We have to stop meeting like this” Magnus cooed as a greeting. 

Alec tried to slip him a tiny smile before turning his head back to look out over the city. He took a slow, deep breath to help arrange his thoughts before he took the leap and entrusted them upon his partner. Magnus sensed he was deep in thought and didn’t push the conversation further at this point. He knew Alec needed to lead this one. Magnus was happy to wait patiently, hoping that he would finally be able to share the weight that was crushing Alec’s shoulders. 

“I want you to know that I heard you.” Alec began, “I don’t want to push you – or anyone – away anymore. I’ve lived most of my life like that and I can’t go back to being that empty, guarded person. He was unhappy and alone and –”

Alec swallowed and tried to push past the boulder in his throat to continue. Magnus turned towards him and placed gentle hands on the sides of both his shoulders. The move brought Alec around to face him. 

“Darling – no matter what you do or become I will be here. I promise to do everything I can so that you never have to feel that way again. Your happiness is my happiness. Your sadness is my sadness. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty or like you have to tell me anything. I’m saying it because it’s true. Because it shows how strong our relationship is. It shows you that you can say anything or nothing to me and it won’t change the solidity of that fact. I only want to help you Alec – if you’ll let me.”

Magnus’ eyes had not left Alec’s during this speech. In his shadowhunter’s wide eyes he could see an inner struggle to contain tears. Magnus moved his right hand from Alec’s shoulder to the side of his face and caressed his thumb over the angel’s cheek in a soothing motion. In that moment he so badly wanted to admit to Alec the words he’d been ready to say for some time now. However, he also wanted Alec to work through his current thoughts without new ones being thrown on top. With that in mind, he decided now wasn’t the right time for such a declaration. Alec reached his own hand up to wrap around the one on his face before lowering their intertwined hands and getting ready to continue the conversation. 

“I – I thought that I deserved to keep all the guilt to myself. That I – that it would be an insult to Jocelyn if I received any comfort for what I had done. There is a part of my brain that knows it wasn’t me but it – it was me Magnus. It was me. It was me…..”

Now that he had finally unleashed the words he couldn’t stop them from gushing out. Alec repeated the phrase over and over, each utterance becoming more unsteady as tears began to make their way down his pale cheeks. He just let them flow – did nothing to make them stop. Alec had never let himself be so vulnerable in front of another person before. It wasn’t something he thought about before he started crying but now that he had begun he knew it was because he was comfortable around Magnus. He knew there would be no judgement. With that thought he gripped those warm hands even tighter. 

Magnus felt a sense of relief that Alec had finally realised he could let someone in. And he was ecstatic that that someone was him. He’d felt so useless up until this point. But now – now he could care for Alec like he deserved to be cared for. With their hands still linked Magnus led them both into the loft where they could settle on the couch. He knew that strong emotions were draining and Alec would need a rest. His angel sat there in a daze, head bowed, completely absorbed by what he was feeling. Magnus gave the hands in his a squeeze which prompted hazel eyes to look up at him.

“Alexander – I wish I could magic all your unhappiness and guilt away but I can’t. That’s something you need to solve on your own. What I can do is be available, any time or any place, for anything you need. I can help you understand that you are still the same person – still the wonderful, sweet, kind, open-hearted man you’ve always been. Nothing has changed that. I just want you to believe that too – and I’ll be here for whatever it takes to make you feel that way again. I promise.”

Alec stared into Magnus’ deep orbs and thought how lucky he was to have such a beautiful soul by his side. He trusted Magnus’ promise. He didn’t even feel guilty about making someone stick around that long to look after him. Instead, Alec felt a deep warmth rising in his chest that was slowly spreading throughout the rest of his body. He could feel it creeping into hidden corners and banishing the emptiness that had found its home inside. Why didn’t he feel the inevitable guilt? His standard self-deprecating feelings had been replaced by a sense of lightness and wakefulness. These feelings confused Alec – but in a good way. He would figure out what they meant later. First, he was going to trust Magnus – as he inexplicably had since the day they met – and focus on getting through this. The commitment felt selfish and strange to Alec. The idea so foreign to a man used to putting others before himself. 

“I believe you.” Alec spoke softly. “I want you to know how much I trust you and believe in you – in us. I want to tell you everything Magnus. Not right now and maybe not straight away but I want you to know me – all of me.” He shot Magnus a shy smile, the first in a long time and it felt great. There was one more thing Alec needed to say before he was too exhausted to continue any further. “I hope you know the same goes for you too, Magnus. I am here for you – no matter what.”

Magnus’ heart swelled at the fact that, even while working through his own problems, Alec still had room to think about and reassure him. The warlock found it so endearing he couldn’t help but reach both hands up to cup Alec’s face and pull him in for a gentle kiss. When it was over, they sat with foreheads touching, breathing each other in. Both quite not ready to let the other go completely. That was when Alec realised something. For the first time since he’d been possessed horrible thoughts weren’t plaguing his mind. He knew that his problems were far from over but in this moment, here with Magnus, everything felt right with the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading my first story! It's been so exciting to see how many people have given it a go and gives me the courage to continue writing more in the future :)


End file.
